... the weight of Rasler’s chin upon her head, and her mouth...natural muskiness, only added to the sweet smell. His scent carried...and swayed with the rhythm of the music. “It’s been a long time...
1 Answers · Arts & Humanities · 11/01/2010
It's kinda stiff and lacks fluidity in it. It's also a bit cliched and could be borderline Mary Sue-ish. You have a lot of adverbs. Remember, you want to show, not tell your story. You also rush things and don't really take the...
11 Answers · Arts & Humanities · 31/12/2010
its pretty good i like the fact that you show a lot of imagry. i would read this book i feel as if the girl is about to embark on some sort of adventure where she'll learn more about herself . it'll be a good book when finished. I would read it. keep writing! robin
2 Answers · Arts & Humanities · 22/06/2009
You need to read more and, after about 10 years of doing that, you might think about writing a shopping list. Because this is truly awful. Rambling, unfocused, banal, pointless and extremely badly written. Go and read the Bronte's.
1 Answers · Arts & Humanities · 07/11/2010
1) No proper indention(paragraphs) 2) No balancing of show & tell 3) Overwhelming dump of information(hence, the "show & tell" is unbalanced) ----> I think I want to become an author when I grow up, so I started...
6 Answers · Arts & Humanities · 28/03/2011